Very few of us live to be 100 years old. Something like 2% of us perhaps will make it. So, it was rare to celebrate my Chinese grandmother’s centenary this past month. The actual date of her birthday, according to my cousin, is 农历四月初六。This is the fourth day of April in the lunar calendar, or May 17^th in the Gregorian calendar. Since the specific dates of the lunar calendar change annually, her birthday is marked by the annual week-long Chinese Labor Day holiday, which begins on May 1^st. Not only is this easier to remember, but it’s much easier getting the relatives together. 

It’s also a bit confusing with my in-laws. We never know when their birthdays are because when they were born, time was marked by the lunar calendar. So, we celebrate my father-in-law’s birthday around the same time as my wife’s (whose birthday was marked by the Gregorian). It simplifies things, but I’ve always thought it would be cool to know the actual date so we could create a surprise of some kind. 

Going Deeper into China – to the City of Grace and Peace 

Grandma’s birthday was “19 tables” in size. The scale of Chinese celebrations is determined by the number of round tables that hold ten guests. Originally, there were to be 21 tables. Two tables couldn’t make it. We had the honor of sitting near the front. My father-in-law is the eldest child, and my wife is the eldest grandchild, so it’s a special honor. 

The party was held where grandma and the close family live, in the city of Enping (恩平). 

“Enping is a tier 16 city,” my cousin says in a matter-of-fact voice as he glances through the rear-view mirror. He’s spent his whole life here and done well for himself. He is married with a daughter, works in an energy company, has his own car and his own home which is a comfortable 20 minutes away. He’s always there ready to grab my suitcase at the train station when we visit. 

As long as I’ve been aware, cities in China have been organized by tiers. Tier one cities are the ones everyone outside China is familiar with: Beijing, Shanghai and Guangzhou (and, many are unfamiliar with Guangzhou (or, Canton, where ‘Cantonese’ comes from)). And, they go down from there. So, when my cousin said Enping – which literally means ‘grace and peace’ – ranks so low, I didn’t believe it. Granted, there is no airport. This has always struck me oddly since Enping is the home of ‘China’s Aviation Pioneer’, Feng Ru. 

China’s Aviation Pioneer – Unknown in America

Though I never heard of Feng Ru (冯如）until my Chinese cousins led me up a hill once years ago to look at his memorial statue and tell me the story, his story can be found with a simple web search. Indeed, he was one of the great pioneers of the early twentieth century.  

According to an entry worldatlas.com published in 2018, China has over a 100 cities with a population over 1 million. This is over twice that of India, the runner-up and over 10 times that of the United States. 

Living in the center of the largest city in China (population of Shanghai must be nearly 30 million), it’s easy to scoff at cities that rank in the millions as “small towns”. According to a search on Baidu, Enping has a population of around 500,000 and is indeed a small city by Chinese standards. But, it’s still pretty big. Also on Baidu, Enping is a tier five or six city – certainly not a tier 16 city, as my cousin humbly claims!

Back to Feng Ru. I was amazed after doing some basic desk top research to learn that he was one of the world’s first pilots and airplane manufacturers. He built planes in Oakland, California, just a couple years after the Wright brothers took their historic flight. He was the first to fly over that part of the world.  

Yet, who’s heard of him? I met with a friend the other day from Oakland who comes from a Chinese heritage himself. He hadn’t heard of Feng Ru either. I find that somewhat sad. China’s Aviation Pioneer soon thereafter returned home to manufacture planes for his country. He died flying over my wife’s hometown in 1912, the city of Guangzhou. 

There’s been a recent surge of interest in the United States by Asian Americans – and, more broadly – in stories of people of Asian heritage who have made an impact on the local culture. Feng Ru would be someone worth celebrating, a man who is a pioneer in his own right but nearly completely overlooked. 

Traveling nowadays from Guangzhou to Enping is always entertaining. There is a high-speed train that takes only an hour and twenty minutes or so, but during the holidays it’s mostly standing tickets only. So, my father-in-law purchased mini stools for us all to sit on near the doors to make the trip as comfortable as possible. He’s got a stack of a dozen or more of these stools at home accumulated for just such a purpose. 

There is a noticeable change in the air when arriving at Enping. The city is tropical-hot, and considered part of a rain belt, getting ample rain throughout the year. But, there is a freshness in the air that invigorates. It’s the freshness I often experience when outside a megacity, being surrounded by mountains and lush vegetation. 

Breaking out of my Shell 

As we arrive at the venue, I learn that I am to give a brief speech on stage as part of a blessing to grandma. “You are the only foreigner in our family, and have quite a unique point of view,” I am told by my other cousin who is the primary organizer. 

I used to be an introvert but living in China has helped me break out of my shell. The first couple years were painful, sitting at the customary round tables surrounded by people always asking me a variety of questions in well-meaning fashion. Answering with broken Chinese and half sentences for a couple years, it’s amazing people had patience. It may also be part of why I would often drink too much on such occasions, easing social anxiety. 

To be fair, learning a foreign language requires the willingness to look and sound ridiculous, often. One needs to develop thick skin, which is really a valuable asset over time. So, when I learned that I’d be giving a blessing soon on stage, I wasn’t that surprised. But, I was concerned about saying the right thing. I wanted to make a positive impact and say something meaningful. I also assumed this would come at a later stage in the gala dinner. Yet, again, I was completely surprised. My father-in-law was saying something in Cantonese and then smiled and passed me the mic. 

I said something silly like saying my name and how long I’ve been married to her oldest grandchild. And, happily married! (Why did I just say that?!) I then recounted the first time I met grandma and how she welcomed me into the family. She was waiting outside her home for us and led me inside by hand. Though she couldn’t speak Mandarin and certainly would never guess her oldest grandchild would marry an American, her simple gesture was a huge statement of immediate acceptance. 

And, that’s from the heart. It may have sounded silly on stage. I don’t know. I wasn’t ready to give my brief speech yet. But, I’ve often found that when you speak from the heart, people listen and appreciate it either way.

The Power of Positivity?

The next day, we were relaxing at grandma’s house. I wanted to hear some insights about her life, so I asked some questions through my father-in-law (I’ll learn Cantonese next, I keep telling myself). What did she think about the party last night? 

“Expensive!  I just looked at all that food and drink, and I cannot imagine what that must have cost!” 

It doesn’t matter whether it’s China, the United States, or anywhere else. I trust that grandmas are the same around the world. My own grandmother just turned 93 and she is the absolute picture of energy. Her mind and memory are extremely sharp.

My wife said something that made me think: “I’ve never heard my grandmother complain. She’s had a hard life, but she’s never complained.” 

Come to think of it, my American grandmother is renowned for laughing and jokes herself. The late Norman Vincent Peale popularized the power of positive thinking in the American mind. Yet, there is something to it. 

If we complain less about people and our circumstances, will we too live to be one hundred?  It’s worth thinking about. 

My sister still laughs when this memory comes up. I was back home visiting my mom at her lake house in Michigan years ago. With floor to ceiling windows facing the small and peaceful lake, I couldn’t think of a better place of respite from bustling Beijing. Newspaper in hand, yanking back the lever of the plush La-Z-Boy hard, I was thinking: “finally”. 

My sister, Amy, came over with my young nephew, Vaughan, whom I’ve only seen a handful of times.  “Uncle Brad, can you play with me?” 

“I’m reading my newspaper,” I respond curtly without looking up. Amy laughs. 

She still laughs today because I’ve changed from being a stuffy older-than-my-age stiff to a jolly young daddy, and the transition is massive. I never liked hanging around kids before I had my own. When people coo’d at cute little babies, I would try to find the furthest corner or exit. ‘Yeah, they’re cute. Great.” 

So, imagine my surprise to experience just how much Chinese love kids. We’ve all been taught about cultural differences, and probably if most of us are honest, we tend to prefer our own culture over any other. I like the way Americans interact. I like the way we work at the office, and I love the boundaries we place on work and family time. 

But, I have to admit. There are some cultural differences that may be superior to my own. There is one cultural asset that Chinese do better than anyone else I’ve seen. 

They absolutely love kids. Now, I know this is a generality and there are certainly exceptions. But, I’ve never seen people be more patient, more understanding, more appreciative of children than the Chinese people. They are wonderful with kids. 

Just to provide an example, my kids love taking the subway lately. It’s fresh and exciting. So, we take it when we can. And, when I step onto a crowded subway, immediately to my right and left, someone will stand up. Once catching eye contact, they smile and wave a hand over to the seat. My kids love standing on the subway, seizing the handles with their little hands in a small act of agency over the momentum until we get off. So, it takes me a bit of time to refuse a seat for myself or the kids. This act of kindness is so glaring because the subway can be one of the coldest places in public. People don’t talk. We look at our phones and shrug past one another without the slightest recognition. But, when a vulnerable child shows up, a light of warmth immediately lights up from one random stranger to another. 

Going back to the Good ‘Ole Days 

China’s a busy place still under radical transformation. It’s impossible to describe just how things are here to the uninitiated. One topic that continues to come up with Chinese I speak with is how much they miss the good ‘ole days. They miss the simpler days when they were younger and everyone knew each other in their housing compound, when people asked about each other and looked after each other. 

Indeed, before having kids I felt much lonelier. It’s hard to know neighbors. People don’t naturally greet each other in the elevators. I’m from the Midwest of the United States, a place famous for friendliness. People wave at strangers when passing on the sidewalk. Granted, the Midwest has received some attention for inauthentic friendliness (see “Midwest Nice”) but overall people in my hometown area are friendly and it feels nice. When growing up, I somehow learned that New Yorkers were cold and rude without having much exposure to them. I’ve had the pleasure since of having had two former bosses from New York City, both who were as direct as it gets – and, as generous as it gets. I’ve also been in a company famous for its collegial Midwest friendly culture that paid me far too low. So, it’s important to question assumptions as we go through life and acquire real experience. 

So, when Chinese tell me they miss the good ‘ole days, I naturally think about sincere midwestern friendliness. And, I’m not too far off the mark. They miss when no one had a lot of money and when the times were simpler. 

Having a child in China gives you access to the good ‘ole days, both the Chinese version and the Midwest American version. 

Losing Identity, or Acquiring a New Name 

It is nearly impossible to not make friends with the neighbors once you have kids. This started the moment our first daughter, Vera, was born. We moved into a quiet compound just prior to my wife getting pregnant. There were several parents like us, who had babies the same year we did. They too were working professionals. 

Some people make friends over cigarettes. Others over drinks. For us, children were the ultimate conversation starter. Whereas we once all needed to think about a shared topic before approaching a stranger, now there was an immediate connection.

“Look, it’s a little sister. Say hi to the little sister.” Chinese use terms that draw people closer. They would see my younger daughter as the little sister of their own somewhat older child. Immediate connection. Once you’re a sister, you’re no longer a stranger. And, so a conversation starts. And, the conversation turns into a regular parent acquaintance. And, the acquaintance turns into a genuine and quality friendship. 

I lived in Beijing for 15 years. Over this time, I’ve had many acquaintances and friends. But, nothing compared to the deluge of friendships that opened up through my children. Parenting is such a life-changing experience, and it’s a community experience. Parents share insight about what they’ve learned, where to go for the best childcare products, what kind of restaurants cater the best, etc. the topics are endless. 

And, in China there are the grandparents who often help with the childcare during the day while mom and dad work. They all get to know each other for an added layer of friendship. Then, there’s the Ayi’s who take care of the kids when the parents or grandparents don’t, for the third layer. 

The end result of this is an entirely new life dynamic of community where everyone gets to know each other, helps each other and is friendly for each other. And, it crosses socio-economic and cultural barriers. We had friends who were wealthy and friends who were not. Young children are the great equalizer in China. It really is a small taste of heaven. 

One of the biggest adjustments I’ve had to make is losing my name and acquiring a new one. To this day, no one in our housing compounds know my name. This is true for Shanghai today as it was in Beijing in the past. I’m ‘Vera’s dad’ or ‘Nini’s dad’ depending upon the daughter being referenced. I had a hard time getting used to this, always believing parents should maintain their identity and welcome children into the family rather than making everything about the child. 

Then, I just got used to it. “Vera’s dad, do you want to get coffee next week?” one of my friends asked recently. He’s a cool guy, a partner in a law firm whose wife is a screenwriter, a very interesting couple we often meet as a family. I smiled when I heard him say it. 

So, rather than feeling like I need to maintain my own identity, I’ve become comfortable acquiring a new name and getting on with it. 

Some tips for enjoying the good ‘ole days in China: 

• Have children and get ready. Of course, no one should have kids for any other purpose than wanting to have them. But, get ready to access new relationships and a whole new enjoyment of living in China once having them. This may be hard for people who are more introverted. But, if you can befriend at least a couple other parents nearby, the content of your conversations which will lead to authentic friendships can go quite deep. 

• Be ok with losing your identity. Take on the new identity and the name that comes with it. No one will remember your name anymore but that’s fine. You won’t remember anyone else’s name either! It simplifies the communication anyway and it makes it kind of fun. Of course, people at work will call you by your name. But, outside work no one remembers it. Even your own family members will do this. For example, my mother-in-law calls my father-in-law ‘grandpa’ and vice versa. My wife and I still call each other by our own names, but that’s about it. 

• Celebrate the culture with open eyes. It’s easy to be culture-critical. It’s more challenging – and, more meaningful – to keep your eyes open for cultural strength. One cultural attribute in China worth celebrating is how much Chinese value children and the benefits that come with parenting here. And, there are many, especially in the early years. I’m convinced that having children here for the first few years of life is one of the best in the world. It kind of makes me want to have more! 

I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again. Having children is probably the only dynamic in life that is absolutely exhausting yet supremely joyful, a uniquely symbiotic paradigm. I know of nothing else like this. Work can be exhausting, but it doesn’t deliver the joy. Companies try to talk up their family culture but it’s not the same, and it’s often completely inauthentic. Work can be satisfying, but there’s no joyful reward when exhausting yourself that deeply satisfies the spirit like having children does.

I had lunch recently with a couple friends that illustrates this. One of them has two young children, like I do. The other doesn’t yet have children. As we waited for our food, I pulled out two new boxes of painkillers and began reading the description of one of them I had never tried before. I’ve had poor sleep for probably a week or so now, and after about a week it accumulates to a dull migraine-like headache that can only be temporarily soothed by a painkiller and then a very painful half hour traditional Chinese shoulder and head massage.

“Man, that stuff scares me,” said my friend who is yet to become a parent. He is so good with kids it amazes me. He’s great with my kids, one of the best I’ve seen. I certainly wasn’t as good with kids as he seems to be.

Me and the other friend look at each other and laugh. “No way. It’s great. We wouldn’t go back to the time before kids,” we agree. 

Hangovers without Booze 

I quit drinking over seven years ago. I used to drink too much and get terrible hangovers. I’m so glad that life is behind me, especially before my first daughter was born. So, I know what it’s like to fully function with a headache all day long. The difference is, instead of getting through those days with regret, I get through them today with a smile – often with laughs. 

So, I swallow the painkillers. I get the painful head massage. And, my wife and I consistently tweak how we take care of the kids so that they sleep longer and won’t awaken at night. Last night, we finally both slept well again. 

“I didn’t give her milk at dinner, and gave her less water after the bath,” my wife said. Smart woman. Milk takes a longer time to get through the system. Less milk at dinner time. Common sense is often trumped by the anxiety of hoping your child will grow faster and needs milk at dinner to accomplish that goal. Parenting is a process of dealing with your own fears and concerns and tweaking the program as you go. In this case, our personal need for quality and uninterrupted sleep is (temporarily) superseding the concern about providing adequate dairy. We can simply give more earlier in the day and through other means, like cheese. 

To be fair to my kids, it isn’t just the poor sleep that causes the headaches. It’s probably also related to lugging a heavy backpack around the city and slouching over a computer. It’s a heady cocktail ending in pain. 

So, what does all this banter about hangovers without booze have to do with having kids in China? 

Having kids is all about learning as you go. My wife and I did everything we could to prepare for parenting. We read books, talked with friends and parents, and even took a course on pregnancy and birth together. Admittedly, the course was cool. I learned a lot about the phenomenal human body and how we are innately equipped to care for children. 

So, we felt fairly prepared. Everything was in place. Crib was ready, clothes and food purchased etc. 

Then, we actually became parents. We were completely unprepared and absolutely helpless.

Good Parenting Sometimes Requires Being Counter-Cultural 

For various reasons, our older daughter was premature and low birth weight. Suffice it to say, although she didn’t need to stay in the ICU room longer than one night, she was much smaller than the other babies around us. And, suffice it to say, we felt very protective of her. The last thing I wanted was to surround ourselves with worried people. What we needed as new parents was space and quietude – two things that are pretty hard to come by in China. 

Indeed, we made a very counter-cultural choice. 

“She needs us to be there, at her side,” mom protested, perhaps feeling a bit hurt, into the phone.  Living in southern China at the time, we called the in-laws from Beijing to announce the happy news. You see, in China, there is a whole support team when a couple become new parents. And, while new parents do need support, I believe they also need an opportunity to enjoy being new parents without unnecessary help or interference, regardless of the good intentions. But, what this means is that both new parents pitch in and take care of the new child. Chinese labor law wonderfully offers new mothers over four months of paid maternity leave. New dad still needs to join new mom on the childcare, but new dad is also tired from work. Exhaustion just comes with the territory of fatherhood. 

I thought best to pass the phone to my wife. “No, mom, we really need to have this initial time to rest. You are welcome to visit us soon, but we really need some time first just the three of us.” 

Mom is great. She always understands – and tries to understand when she doesn’t. Dad is great too and has been so helpful to us over the years. But, I’ve always been a bit closer with mom because she lets us be and knows when to stop trying to influence us. I’ve always deeply appreciated this. She also had a career as a senior leader when she had significant influence over people. So, although she doesn’t speak English, she intuitively understands people from different cultures, given her exposure and experience over the years. 

So, here we were in our first few weeks as new parents. We had an Ayi (Chinese for ‘auntie’, paid help) who came in to help cook and clean. She was from Beijing and was extremely quiet, not making parenting suggestions but wisely keeping to herself and handling her tasks quietly and competently, agreeing to help if we asked. It was a perfect arrangement with a rare quiet personality. We greatly appreciated her and to this day see her as our best paid help ever. 

‘Confinement’ is an interesting cultural concept in China. The Chinese word (坐月子) to describe the lifestyle choice doesn’t translate well to English. Basically, new moms take a month off from all responsibilities to refresh themselves and replenish their health. They eat special soups, wash less, sleep more and generally lay around being supported by ‘the team’ which is made up of mother, an Ayi and often times a maternity matron (月嫂)。 The maternity matron acts as a surrogate mom while mom is doing confinement. Mom is welcome to be with the child periodically, but it’s the matron’s job to care for baby, sleep with baby, feed baby, etc. New dad’s job in this scheme is unclear. Frankly, he doesn’t seem to have much of a job. Often times, grandpa is there to fawn over the newborn as well, making the team even larger. New dad is burdened with his job. And, I’ve often wondered if his reason for working late at the office is because of the team’s constant presence. I know in my experience, I can’t stand having an apartment full of people. Some of that may be a product of personality, and some may be cultural. 

Now, I know some of what I describe here may offend some people but that’s basically the case. 

Find a Way to Work Within the Culture… and Step Out of it when Needed 

By not doing confinement and choosing to start parenting alone with paid help for the first month or two, we were able to experience all the joys, fears, and fun of new parenting. My wife and I were able to grow in our love for each other in a private setting. And, we were able to establish a close bond with our baby. 

After this initial period, we welcomed the in laws to come and live near their only grandchild to share the joy. We rented an apartment close by so we could maintain a sense of boundaries. This is an important point not to be overlooked. Many new parents elect to have their parents, either one or both, move in to live together. Both parents will go back to work and the grandparents who retire relatively young, will take care of the children while mom and dad work. 

This sounds like a good arrangement for cost control and task delegation, but I am highly opposed to it. Too many cooks in the kitchen spoil the broth. If you want to maintain a healthy marriage, you need to have boundaries with your parents. It’s that simple. And, you need to be the ones to make decisions on your family – husband and wife. Making all the final calls. Input is welcome. But, the buck stops with mom and dad. On everything. 

We made a choice to have the grandparents live close by and help on the childcare while we worked. We had weekends alone, but we were all together during the week. It was hard for me. I love my wife’s parents, but it was hard to be with them so much. And, it was the cause of constant stress. I think it was very hard on my wife, who probably felt caught in the middle. She wants to be filial with her parents but wants to respect her husband. It was very hard for her indeed. She did a great job. 

My in-laws wonderfully sacrificed their personal time for years to help with child rearing while we were at the office. It enabled us to thrive in our careers, save and invest money. Without their help, we would not have had a good head start on this. And, for that I am grateful. But, it does come with a cost. Conflict will arise that needs to be worked through. 

Covid has provided a wonderful opportunity for us to handle the childcare ourselves. But, it’s only been possible because I work at home. And, we still have paid help who does the cooking and cleaning. But, she doesn’t touch the child care. I don’t even let her pick the kids up from school. In my opinion, that’s mom and dad’s job. And, it’s a glorious job. I only wish we had this current arrangement years ago. Who would guess that a global pandemic would lead to the perfect family arrangement? 

But, it wouldn’t work if we both had jobs that demanded daily face time in the office. So, in this aspect, Covid has been good. 

Here’s some tips for new parents: 

• Do at least the first month or two alone. And, do even more if you can. Hire an Ayi to help cook and clean. Make sure she’s quiet and doesn’t offer advice. You don’t need advice, and you don’t need a team to support you. You need peace and quiet. You need time to bond with each other and with your child. You will work for the rest of your life, but the time you have with your child goes lightning fast. So, don’t waste it in the office. 

• Have healthy boundaries with parents and give them the gift of rest. If wishing to continue working, then use some of that income to rent a separate property for your parents. Although they may disagree in the beginning, they will thank you in the end. They need rest, even if they don’t immediately recognize it. They need the opportunity to watch television, talk, cook and just relax. Give them that gift of rest and step up as a parent when you’re not working, at night and on the weekends.

• Don’t forget your spouse’s needs. As a new parent, it’s easy to neglect your spouse’s needs. This is especially true if there’s an entire support team nearby. Be intentional and attentive to your spouse’s needs. Your wife needs to be more important than your parents, and vice versa. Your children are members of your family. Invite them to join your family as valuable members rather than trying to enter their world. Consider the wisdom of this verse written thousands of years ago:

“Therefore, a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” Genesis 2:24, The Bible