Having Kids in China, Part One: do as Much as you can yourself.

I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again. Having children is probably the only dynamic in life that is absolutely exhausting yet supremely joyful, a uniquely symbiotic paradigm. I know of nothing else like this. Work can be exhausting, but it doesn’t deliver the joy. Companies try to talk up their family culture but it’s not the same, and it’s often completely inauthentic. Work can be satisfying, but there’s no joyful reward when exhausting yourself that deeply satisfies the spirit like having children does.

I had lunch recently with a couple friends that illustrates this. One of them has two young children, like I do. The other doesn’t yet have children. As we waited for our food, I pulled out two new boxes of painkillers and began reading the description of one of them I had never tried before. I’ve had poor sleep for probably a week or so now, and after about a week it accumulates to a dull migraine-like headache that can only be temporarily soothed by a painkiller and then a very painful half hour traditional Chinese shoulder and head massage.

“Man, that stuff scares me,” said my friend who is yet to become a parent. He is so good with kids it amazes me. He’s great with my kids, one of the best I’ve seen. I certainly wasn’t as good with kids as he seems to be.

Me and the other friend look at each other and laugh. “No way. It’s great. We wouldn’t go back to the time before kids,” we agree. 

Hangovers without Booze 

I quit drinking over seven years ago. I used to drink too much and get terrible hangovers. I’m so glad that life is behind me, especially before my first daughter was born. So, I know what it’s like to fully function with a headache all day long. The difference is, instead of getting through those days with regret, I get through them today with a smile – often with laughs. 

So, I swallow the painkillers. I get the painful head massage. And, my wife and I consistently tweak how we take care of the kids so that they sleep longer and won’t awaken at night. Last night, we finally both slept well again. 

“I didn’t give her milk at dinner, and gave her less water after the bath,” my wife said. Smart woman. Milk takes a longer time to get through the system. Less milk at dinner time. Common sense is often trumped by the anxiety of hoping your child will grow faster and needs milk at dinner to accomplish that goal. Parenting is a process of dealing with your own fears and concerns and tweaking the program as you go. In this case, our personal need for quality and uninterrupted sleep is (temporarily) superseding the concern about providing adequate dairy. We can simply give more earlier in the day and through other means, like cheese. 

To be fair to my kids, it isn’t just the poor sleep that causes the headaches. It’s probably also related to lugging a heavy backpack around the city and slouching over a computer. It’s a heady cocktail ending in pain. 

So, what does all this banter about hangovers without booze have to do with having kids in China? 

Having kids is all about learning as you go. My wife and I did everything we could to prepare for parenting. We read books, talked with friends and parents, and even took a course on pregnancy and birth together. Admittedly, the course was cool. I learned a lot about the phenomenal human body and how we are innately equipped to care for children. 

So, we felt fairly prepared. Everything was in place. Crib was ready, clothes and food purchased etc. 

Then, we actually became parents. We were completely unprepared and absolutely helpless.

Good Parenting Sometimes Requires Being Counter-Cultural 

For various reasons, our older daughter was premature and low birth weight. Suffice it to say, although she didn’t need to stay in the ICU room longer than one night, she was much smaller than the other babies around us. And, suffice it to say, we felt very protective of her. The last thing I wanted was to surround ourselves with worried people. What we needed as new parents was space and quietude – two things that are pretty hard to come by in China. 

Indeed, we made a very counter-cultural choice. 

“She needs us to be there, at her side,” mom protested, perhaps feeling a bit hurt, into the phone.  Living in southern China at the time, we called the in-laws from Beijing to announce the happy news. You see, in China, there is a whole support team when a couple become new parents. And, while new parents do need support, I believe they also need an opportunity to enjoy being new parents without unnecessary help or interference, regardless of the good intentions. But, what this means is that both new parents pitch in and take care of the new child. Chinese labor law wonderfully offers new mothers over four months of paid maternity leave. New dad still needs to join new mom on the childcare, but new dad is also tired from work. Exhaustion just comes with the territory of fatherhood. 

I thought best to pass the phone to my wife. “No, mom, we really need to have this initial time to rest. You are welcome to visit us soon, but we really need some time first just the three of us.” 

Mom is great. She always understands – and tries to understand when she doesn’t. Dad is great too and has been so helpful to us over the years. But, I’ve always been a bit closer with mom because she lets us be and knows when to stop trying to influence us. I’ve always deeply appreciated this. She also had a career as a senior leader when she had significant influence over people. So, although she doesn’t speak English, she intuitively understands people from different cultures, given her exposure and experience over the years. 

So, here we were in our first few weeks as new parents. We had an Ayi (Chinese for ‘auntie’, paid help) who came in to help cook and clean. She was from Beijing and was extremely quiet, not making parenting suggestions but wisely keeping to herself and handling her tasks quietly and competently, agreeing to help if we asked. It was a perfect arrangement with a rare quiet personality. We greatly appreciated her and to this day see her as our best paid help ever. 

‘Confinement’ is an interesting cultural concept in China. The Chinese word (坐月子) to describe the lifestyle choice doesn’t translate well to English. Basically, new moms take a month off from all responsibilities to refresh themselves and replenish their health. They eat special soups, wash less, sleep more and generally lay around being supported by ‘the team’ which is made up of mother, an Ayi and often times a maternity matron (月嫂)。 The maternity matron acts as a surrogate mom while mom is doing confinement. Mom is welcome to be with the child periodically, but it’s the matron’s job to care for baby, sleep with baby, feed baby, etc. New dad’s job in this scheme is unclear. Frankly, he doesn’t seem to have much of a job. Often times, grandpa is there to fawn over the newborn as well, making the team even larger. New dad is burdened with his job. And, I’ve often wondered if his reason for working late at the office is because of the team’s constant presence. I know in my experience, I can’t stand having an apartment full of people. Some of that may be a product of personality, and some may be cultural. 

Now, I know some of what I describe here may offend some people but that’s basically the case. 

Find a Way to Work Within the Culture… and Step Out of it when Needed 

By not doing confinement and choosing to start parenting alone with paid help for the first month or two, we were able to experience all the joys, fears, and fun of new parenting. My wife and I were able to grow in our love for each other in a private setting. And, we were able to establish a close bond with our baby. 

After this initial period, we welcomed the in laws to come and live near their only grandchild to share the joy. We rented an apartment close by so we could maintain a sense of boundaries. This is an important point not to be overlooked. Many new parents elect to have their parents, either one or both, move in to live together. Both parents will go back to work and the grandparents who retire relatively young, will take care of the children while mom and dad work. 

This sounds like a good arrangement for cost control and task delegation, but I am highly opposed to it. Too many cooks in the kitchen spoil the broth. If you want to maintain a healthy marriage, you need to have boundaries with your parents. It’s that simple. And, you need to be the ones to make decisions on your family – husband and wife. Making all the final calls. Input is welcome. But, the buck stops with mom and dad. On everything. 

We made a choice to have the grandparents live close by and help on the childcare while we worked. We had weekends alone, but we were all together during the week. It was hard for me. I love my wife’s parents, but it was hard to be with them so much. And, it was the cause of constant stress. I think it was very hard on my wife, who probably felt caught in the middle. She wants to be filial with her parents but wants to respect her husband. It was very hard for her indeed. She did a great job. 

My in-laws wonderfully sacrificed their personal time for years to help with child rearing while we were at the office. It enabled us to thrive in our careers, save and invest money. Without their help, we would not have had a good head start on this. And, for that I am grateful. But, it does come with a cost. Conflict will arise that needs to be worked through. 

Covid has provided a wonderful opportunity for us to handle the childcare ourselves. But, it’s only been possible because I work at home. And, we still have paid help who does the cooking and cleaning. But, she doesn’t touch the child care. I don’t even let her pick the kids up from school. In my opinion, that’s mom and dad’s job. And, it’s a glorious job. I only wish we had this current arrangement years ago. Who would guess that a global pandemic would lead to the perfect family arrangement? 

But, it wouldn’t work if we both had jobs that demanded daily face time in the office. So, in this aspect, Covid has been good. 

Here’s some tips for new parents: 

• Do at least the first month or two alone. And, do even more if you can. Hire an Ayi to help cook and clean. Make sure she’s quiet and doesn’t offer advice. You don’t need advice, and you don’t need a team to support you. You need peace and quiet. You need time to bond with each other and with your child. You will work for the rest of your life, but the time you have with your child goes lightning fast. So, don’t waste it in the office. 

• Have healthy boundaries with parents and give them the gift of rest. If wishing to continue working, then use some of that income to rent a separate property for your parents. Although they may disagree in the beginning, they will thank you in the end. They need rest, even if they don’t immediately recognize it. They need the opportunity to watch television, talk, cook and just relax. Give them that gift of rest and step up as a parent when you’re not working, at night and on the weekends.

• Don’t forget your spouse’s needs. As a new parent, it’s easy to neglect your spouse’s needs. This is especially true if there’s an entire support team nearby. Be intentional and attentive to your spouse’s needs. Your wife needs to be more important than your parents, and vice versa. Your children are members of your family. Invite them to join your family as valuable members rather than trying to enter their world. Consider the wisdom of this verse written thousands of years ago:

“Therefore, a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” Genesis 2:24, The Bible