Belonging and Identity: Being an Outsider

One of the things that continues to baffle me is the ratio between the rental cost and the price of purchase for an apartment in downtown Shanghai. It makes no financial sense to buy a place at the current prices nowadays. Consider, the price of the three-bedroom property we live in would sell for the equivalent of 2.5 million USD. The monthly rental, on the other hand, has been a flat 3,400 USD for three years now. It would take 61 years of rental to accrue the equivalent of the purchase price. Why would anyone buy, I ask, particularly considering the rapid aging of the property and inability to control all the external factors. It ties you down. 

A Sense of Belonging 

“A sense of belonging,” is often the reason I am told. It’s a simple concept, and it’s not rooted in financial metrics. Chinese love to have a sense of belonging. It’s part of what drives the continued purchase behavior for homes that are way out of league for most upper middle-class professionals. 

And, perhaps this is what makes me feel a bit differently. I don’t really have a true sense of belonging, in China or in my native United States. I don’t belong anywhere at this stage of life. This is both a source of frustration and freedom. 

Frustration when I am constantly reminded of it on a daily basis. Freedom, when I’m able to feel less social pressure like the need to buy an apartment, make my kids take piano class, or needing to eat a staple food (rice) with every meal. 

Chinese aren’t the only ones who want a sense of belonging. But, it’s hard to feel like you belong when everyone calls you an outsider. Some say it to my face, some say it behind my back, and many say it right next to me, always clueless that I understand every word. 

老外：Old Outsider

The Chinese colloquial for foreigner is “old outsider” and is used to address people who do not look Chinese. It is particularly used to address non-Asian races. The term is so common that people think nothing of using it. But, when children say to their mothers, “look, an old outsider”, moms almost always quiet the child down and urge them not to say that.  

I have to say, old outsider is certainly better than being called a foreign devil. A close American friend recently noted that he hasn’t been called that in many years. It was much more common in the past and in southern China. But, there’s a historical reason why foreigners were called devils.

洋鬼子：Foreign Devil

I’m not certain as to why I’m called an old outsider by people who don’t know me, but while it’s a term I despise, it’s one most of us have gotten used to. What are you going to do, confront everyone on a daily basis and allow their preference of appellation to disturb your peace?

Taming the Fire Within 

Sometimes I do. But, only when my daughters are involved. Then, the fire stirs up inside me. Don’t you call those girls who were born and raised here and speak just as good Chinese as you an old outsider. You can call me that, but I’m going to put you in your place right…about…now (pride comes before a fall, I should remind myself, instead of puffing out my chest): 

“What is an old outsider?” I ask, to the surprised audience. 

“Your Chinese is so good,” is the response. That’s always the response. It fires me up almost as much as being called an old outsider. 

“What is an outsider?” I continue, unfazed. “Is one who is born here, spends their life and has one parent who is local an outsider?” 

Silence.  I continue the monologue. 

“How about this one. Is one who has Chinese parents, born and raised in the United States, speaks no Chinese and moves here an old outsider?”  

Silence.  Crickets. Crossing third base, sliding into home. 

“Then, I ask you again, what is an old outsider?  We all want to belong. We just want to live normally like you and everyone else.”  The second part of this line comes from my mother-in-law. She is super smart, good with people and understands my anger and dilemma. She recommends I simply say something like this: 

“We are all the same. We just want to belong and live normally like everyone else.”  

I often consult mom for cultural wisdom when there’s something that frustrates me. And, I’m getting closer to being able to respond this way. But, I’m not quite there yet. 

This almost always ends in humble embarrassment from their side. And, I almost always regret it. I don’t need to challenge people that way, so why do I do it?  I can only assume it’s because of 18 years of being called an outsider daily and not telling people it bothers me. And, fatherly protection at wanting to shield my daughters from a feeling of painful exclusion. 

I can’t blame people. They think my daughters are beautiful and often comment on them. 

“Why does this one have curly hair and the other have straight hair?” is the most common question by strangers. I once used to answer it this way: 

“Ask God.” 

This response doesn’t make any sense culturally, and it’s extremely rude. From my perspective, it’s related to DNA and having one parent with straight hair and one with wavy frizzy hair. It’s kind of a silly question. But, wouldn’t it be better to say something like: 

“Isn’t it amazing, that one daughter would be like mom and one like dad?” 

I’ve started saying this, and the response is much better. Isn’t it better to engage people with kindness rather than dig up an old chip on my shoulder? 

The funny thing is my older daughter doesn’t seem to be bothered at all by this type of thing. She’s very understanding of people and patient, like mommy. My younger daughter doesn’t like it though. She’s more of a fighter and likes to fight status quo, like daddy. 

Developing Thick Skin and Getting on with It 

It’s important to understand that most Chinese don’t mean any intentional harm in calling one an outsider. It’s just a product of history, environment and culture. It’s a homogeneous culture and has been one for millennia. 

All of the agendas and talk about Diversity & Inclusion that we see in the news media and on LinkedIn and other platforms has its roots in a melting pot culture. Americans are hypersensitive about inclusivity and hypersensitive about racial issues. But, the fact of the matter is that people struggle with prejudice around the world, and it comes in a variety of shapes and degrees. Some of it is intentional. Most of it is unintentional. 

Diversity & Inclusion in the China context refers to their 55 ethnic minority groups, who share unique identity, customs, languages, and values. Yet – like the majority Han group – they are all Chinese. 

Being called an outsider for years and often not being included as a consideration for certain job positions, and not being invited out to join certain activities has been painful. But, the solution is not to bark out at everyone in anger who makes me feel this way. 

In my opinion, the solution is to understand that we – as the human race – are imperfect. And, we are probably all a bit prejudiced on certain things. We tend to like people who act like us, look and think like us.  

So, let’s be better to show people that we are worth knowing and befriending. Let’s not just spew anger at whatever agenda suits our fancy but understand we all struggle in this area, and likely have all been hurt in this area at some point of time. 

We can choose to harbor bitterness, resentment or try to change the world ineffectually which would result in nothing but disappointment, stress and further anguish. Or, we can develop some thicker skin, engage in respectful – and, sometimes challenging – conversations, and don’t always assume the worst of people. 

Frankly, most of the old outsiders here still act like it. They need to step up their game and learn Chinese.  If you live in a country, you should learn the language and mix with the people. That’s why I’ve been so aggressive about it with myself.  I have high expectations of myself. 

Maybe if more of the old outsiders did this, there would be less praise about how awesome one’s Chinese is. It would become a normal part of life and all of us would benefit. 

My two cents.