“There have been many tales of the great warrior, Mulan. But, ancestors, this one is mine. Here she is, a young shoot, all green…unaware of the blade.
If you had such a daughter, her chi, the boundless energy of life itself…speaking through her every motion… could you tell her that only a son could wield chi? That a daughter would risk shame, dishonor, exile?
Ancestors, I could not.”
(Source: Opening scene from Disney’s Mulan)
Thus starts the narrative of Mulan, the recent movie released by Disney about a little tomboy girl who became a legend in China. The warrior-aging father who loves and is proud of his wild little daughter but finds himself caught in a conflicting culture.
Last night, my wife had a conference call quite late and I finally decided to watch it. My two daughters both love Disney. One of the malls close to home has a Disney store with a large silver screen at the entrance showing endless loops of the latest films. Mulan was beckoning little girls for months. Sure enough. My little girls couldn’t get enough of the Chinese theme song, called 自己。It’s quite a beautiful song, sung by the main character about the conflict she feels inside becoming a warrior and hiding her true identity to fight on behalf of her family.
My younger daughter, Ariel, in particular is attracted to Mulan. Endlessly asking me to hold her while watching the song, which is peppered with scenes of Mulan fighting and becoming her true self, she simply loves it.
During a recent trip to Shanghai Disney park, we picked up a Mulan dress (one of the “Castle Collection”, a favorite fashion line) and she’s been wearing it every couple days for many months.
So, I don’t know why I was so surprised to be quite moved when I saw the opening scene with those lines last night with little Mulan swinging around in grass and her father watching her quietly.
It suddenly hit me. Wow. That’s us.
Strong-Willed Children – one of the Hard Days
Parenting Isn’t for Wimps. I know I’ve seen this somewhere. LinkedIn? Facebook? United Nations official website? I can’t be too certain. But, regardless of the source, one thing that is certain is the veracity of that statement.
Let me tweak that one a bit: Hands-on parenting isn’t for wimps. I’m only six years in with two young girls.
I actually don’t know of any other kind of parenting. Thousands of diapers, thousands of sleepless nights(I’m sure it must have exceeded hundreds), and yet probably millions of laughs (yeah, I think it may have reached millions by now).
If I had a nickel for every time my wife and I look at their pictures and laugh after they’ve gone to sleep, I may be well on my way to buying that lakeside property back in my home town area I’ve dreamed about.
I’m convinced there is nothing in the world like hands-on parenting. It is the only venue I’m aware of where you are equally exhausted and equally joyful – simultaneously!
***
I wrote the above few paragraphs earlier in the morning, four hours previously. Since this time, my younger daughter had erupted into one of the worst tantrums I can remember, for about 45 minutes or so.
It’s happening less and less, but it still happens. I will sometimes deal with it decisively, but on this day I dilly-dallied. Why? My older daughter came into our room at 3am crying. I don’t know why. I took her back and put her down, laying down on an adjacent bed to her sister (they have a bunk bed and there’s another single bed next to it).
She seemed ok initially then wouldn’t sleep. So, I lifted her down and lay her next to me. She seemed at peace and it worked a bit. Then, I helped her back up to the top bunk. Then, she began to complain about the brightness of the night light, so I turned it off. Just at this moment, I began to fall asleep when the window shades were pulled open and I was blinded by the 6am sun smiling down on my sorry self.
At this point, I direct her back to mom’s. I know mom will be getting up for the day for a long day at the office, so I see my job to take care of the kids when they get up at night so she can get a good nights rest before one of her really long days.
And, don’t get me wrong. When she doesn’t have a crazy long day or isn’t at the office, she’s just as hands-on as I am.
Since Covid, I’ve been working more flexible hours at home so I’ve been retuning myself to focus more on taking care of the kids at this time. I spent all of 2019 living in another city, so it’s been great to spend more time with the kids, and I see it as a great chance to love – and to discipline – in the way a loving dad does best.
And, I’ve learned a lot in the process.
With days like today – a seemingly endless night followed by a historic meltdown – I remind myself of all the progress the kids have made.
Real Progress
And, it’s been huge. My older daughter doesn’t do tantrums. She’s extremely considerate of peoples’ feelings and highly empathetic and intuitive for a six year old.
My younger girl just turned four and is doing much better. We missed at least a year or more of discipline because we didn’t have a normal year when she turned one. Shortly after her first birthday, we were rocked with a major medical crisis and we split our time between the US and China to address it.
Suffice it to say, we are happy she’s alive and well today. For the past year or more, we can focus on the loving discipline, and I feel we’ve had a bit of catch up to do. But, it too is progressing well.
And, what better way to focus my mission and vision than to raise my daughters well? What better legacy to leave in this life?
Yet, how hard it is at times.
I was powerless this morning. I tried everything. And, I’m proud of myself that I didn’t explode. I called out to the Lord for help. For patience. I even stepped away briefly. Finally, she said “Daddy, I miss you.” And, that was it. The tantrum broke, and the relationship mattered more than getting her way to her. I opened the door, picked her up and had tears in my own eyes. I can’t remember having that happen after a tantrum, but I can’t remember feeling so exhausted and powerless for a long time either. And, that was the right thing to do. I handled it well. So, it’s not just the kids that are growing. I’ve learned how to keep my cool too.
That’s why hands-on parenting isn’t for wimps. And, though it’s been one of the most difficult things I’ve tackled in life, I wouldn’t change anything.
After those episodes this morning, the day went wonderfully. We went hand-in-hand, literally skipping our way to kindergarten.
And, it’s hard not to feel like the hardest part of the day is done. I’ve got a meeting in the afternoon and a few things to take care of. But, clients and prospects are easy.
I think other hands-on parents who have dealt with challenges will identify strongly with what I say when I say I love being a dad.
Yesterday, my wife and I went to pick the kids up together and when the teacher was watching Ariel and I interacting, she said to my wife “she really loves her daddy.”
And, she does. When I pick them up, the kids all come out single file. But, not her. She yells “Daddy!!” And runs out to me, all heart and bursting with life. My other daughter, Vera, sweetly holds my hand and smiles.
This might sound judgmental, but a lot of people picking up the kids at school aren’t the parents. They are caretakers or grandparents. I think if possible, it’s a better model to do it yourself. It’s a lot harder. But, the pay off is huge.
Here’s a few things I’ve learned by being a hands-on daddy:
- It shapes us to be better men. Experiencing the joy, difficulty, and powerlessness at times builds character. When you realize there is so much you can’t control, you learn how to let go of some things and try to influence others. If you believe in God, you learn how to rely on the Lord for both patience and wisdom and you begin to see God’s love in a new light. Hands-on daddy’s don’t have a whole lot of “my time”. Or, at least, it is parceled out much more than otherwise.
- It creates deeper joy in the heart. Being a “thinker” type, I have struggled with melancholy for years. I would often meditate on the bigger questions of life’s meaning, internalize pain and ruminate endlessly in an unhealthy manner. Having children has changed all that. For one thing, I’m too busy just doing life. For another, I’m thinking about someone else’s needs over my own. The selfless act of parenting and the joy experienced when seeing real growth in your children is significant.
- It’s best done in partnership. Mom and dad both need to be involved. Regardless of what some agendas or beliefs may claim, men and women are different and come with different assets and challenges. There is a real need to share the duties. Share the housework. Then, you need less outside help. And, for me, that’s simply awesome. I don’t like outsourcing family care. And, there’s a lot of outsourcing in China.
- Maintain a hobby / do something separate and meaningful. There’s a very real need to rest and recharge. For me, that’s reading and writing. Nothing satisfies like a good book or a journal accompanied with a strong coffee. Nurture something independent. I’ve also been involved in ministry, contributing to others men’s development. That has been satisfying and fulfilling as well.
- Get help when you need to. Call your mom or dad and get advice. There’s wisdom there! I also found a couple books to be helpful, one in particular by James Dobson entitled “The Strong-Willed Child” (below). Pick that up if you believe you may have a little leader in the making. It teaches you how to love and shape a child’s character without breaking their will.
Finally, good luck! If you haven’t been that hands-on, give it a try. I’m always available for a chat.
Stark Discussion 